oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
