she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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