my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
did i just pee glitter
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
