I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
