Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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