I just threw up on my dentist
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize