Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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