I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
