I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
