Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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