We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
