I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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