i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
