I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
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It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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