I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
