2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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