Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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