So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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