This girl is more easily done than said...
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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