hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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