my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
