i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
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there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa