my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
