it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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