you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
