Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
