Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
