i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
