You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
