your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
