The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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