What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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