ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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