A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
