Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
