you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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