i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
