member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
