Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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