I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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