My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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