my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
