I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Buhtt sex?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
