Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
