Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize