Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
