I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I did not marry a roomba.
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