first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
