when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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