Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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