there's paper in my vomit.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
