my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
