i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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