So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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