Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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