I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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