how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
