went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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