I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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